Raising Sons and Daughters With a Balanced Scale
Justice between children does not mean sameness, and accommodation does not mean favouritism. How do we raise boys and girls with a wisdom that joins nature and justice?
Among the greatest responsibilities of spouses, once their home is settled, is to raise a righteous generation. Upbringing is not a single process applied to everyone in one mould, but an art that honours nature and difference without falling into injustice or blameworthy favouritism. How do we raise sons and daughters in a way that joins justice with regard for the nature of each? This is a question every father and mother needs.
Justice Is an Unshakeable Foundation
The first rule of upbringing is that justice between children is an obligation. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Fear Allah and be just between your children.” Favouritism in giving or in visible love plants jealousy and resentment, and bequeaths a complex that accompanies the child for life. Justice does not mean complete sameness in everything, but giving each child what they need fairly.
Justice Does Not Mean Sameness
One child may need more tenderness, another more firmness, a third more time because they are passing through a hard stage. Regarding these differences is not injustice but the very essence of justice. Injustice is to give a right to one and deny it to another without reason; to treat each personality with what suits it is wisdom, not favouritism.
Honouring the Nature of Son and Daughter
Allah created the male and the female different in many inclinations and dispositions, and wise upbringing honours this without wronging either. We raise the boy upon manhood, responsibility and just leadership, and we raise the girl upon modesty, tenderness and strength at once. Yet the great values are shared: honesty, trustworthiness, courage and mercy — these we plant in all without distinction.
Do not raise your daughter on weakness in the name of femininity, nor your son on harshness in the name of manhood. Mercy is courage, and strength does not contradict modesty.
Values We Plant in All
However the dispositions of children differ, there are values that fall from no one:
- Connection to Allah: love of prayer and the Qur’an before it is a heavy obligation.
- Honesty and trustworthiness: a lying child grows into a man who cannot be trusted.
- Respect for elders and mercy for the young: the basis of sound social relations.
- Taking responsibility: by assigning age-appropriate tasks to son and daughter alike.
- Cooperation, not competition: for siblings are a support, not rivals.
The Example Before the Words
The most eloquent upbringing is the one a child sees, not merely the one they hear. A father who commands honesty yet lies, and a mother who forbids backbiting yet backbites, demolish by their deeds what they build by their words. Children are the mirror of their parents, absorbing from behaviour many times what they absorb from advice. So be the example you wish to see in them.
The Bond Between Siblings
Among the most beautiful fruits of balanced upbringing is a love and support that grows between siblings. Plant in them from childhood that they are one team, not competitors; accustom them to forgiveness and selflessness, and do not compare them in a wounding way (“Why aren’t you like your brother?”). Comparison plants jealousy, while praising each for what is in them plants confidence and love.
Conclusion
Raising children is a trust for which the spouses are answerable, and the greatest aids in it are justice, mercy and example. Be just between them without thinking justice means sameness, honour the nature of each without wronging any, and plant the great values in all. A righteous generation is not born by chance but made by the hands of two conscious parents who join firmness and tenderness, justice and wisdom.